Romance Writing

If you don’t like the person you are, chances are high that any relationship you are in or get into will fail.  In order for a relationship to flourish and to grow, a person needs not not only like themselves but also to love who they are. Loving yourself is paramount to having a successful and loving relationship. 

The divorce rate today is higher than at any other time in history.  People marry for the wrong reasons, they marry the wrong person, and more so, they marry too soon.  Not only do they not know they person they marry, they often don’t know themselves or even like who they are as a person. 

Many divorces occur because incompatibility.   But how can a couple become so incompatible when they loved each enough to marry?  How could a marriage that started out with such love, and perhaps still have the love, go so wrong?  How can two people who perhaps still are so much for each other end up not liking each other or themselves? 

Often the problem lies in an area that’s least expected, with ourselves.  We simply don’t like who we are and we strive to become who the spouse wants us to be, rather than just to be ourselves.  This can be manifested in several ways. Women get breast enhancements, even though they are beautiful as they are.  Men take pills to to enlarge parts that are absolutely fine as is.  Another man gives up his particular favorite pastime and does only what the spouse likes to do.  One woman goes and buys herself an entire new wardrobe of clothing trying to look sexier for her husband. Still another spouse gives up their entire existence and becomes a virtual clone of their spouse, trying to be exactly like them in an effort to feel more wanted and loved.  Another woman wants to control everything her husband does, telling him how to act, think, dress, work, who his friends are, etc.  All of these relationships are doomed because the people in them simply do not love themselves.

Before embarking on a relationship, we need to learn to love ourself first.  Self love doesn’t mean that we love ourself over another. It means we love and accept ourself as we are.  It means we don’t change who we are, our very identity, in order to please another. It means we work to grow and if something in us needs changing, we work to change that something, not for another person but to better ourselves. 

To be truly happy in a relationship with another person, we have to be happy with who we are as a person.  We can’t not like ourself and expect to be happy.  We can’t be at odds with ourself and who we are and be happy.  We can’t pretend to be something or someone we are not and be truly happy or love ourself.  We can’t be happy and at peace if we are living in the past and not accepting ourselves as we are. But when one has had a troubled past, how can they learn to love who they are and find that happiness? 

The answer is learning to let go.  Letting go of what we cannot change or undo is a first step in releasing the past to be just that, the past.  No matter what happened, what you did, what someone else did, it’s all gone.  Instead of punishing yourself for what can never be changed or relived, allow yourself to forgive and move on with life.  Punishing yourself by denying yourself happiness and love won’t change anything that’s already happened. 

We have all done things and had things done to us that hurt.  Sometimes we won’t allow ourselves to be happy or to love ourselves because we think that in loving ourselves or being happy, it diminishes what we did or what was done to us.  We think that we deserve to be unhappy or feel unloved and unwanted.  We have the mindset that whatever happened in the past is reason for us to keep our present and future miserable, thinking that’s payment for a past we can’t change.  Nothing can be further from the truth!

Not allowing yourself to be happy or love yourself as you are is not hurting someone from the past, but it is hurting you and probably someone that cares deeply for you.  Punishing yourself for something that’s gone isn’t the answer.  Letting go, forgiving, moving on, learning to really like yourself, and being happy with the one that truly cares for you just as you are, that’s where it’s at.  Remember that a person who truly cares for you won’t ever hold the past against you, and you shouldn’t hold it against yourself either.

Now is the time to start loving yourself.  Focus on what YOU like about yourself, not what anyone else thinks.  Remember that in learning to love yourself, you aren’t out to please the rest of the world, just yourself.  If you find something that you don’t like about yourself, work on changing that.  But only do it for you!  Allow yourself to be yourself!  Don’t try to be someone you’re not or something you’re not.  Be happy with how you look, how you think, how you feel, how you love, how you believe, etc.  Realize that you are a beautiful person and allow yourself to see that beauty in yourself.

When you feel you are ready for a relationship again, don’t go for someone who wants to change you.  Don’t go for someone who makes you feel that you aren’t good enough as you are.  Don’t get involved with a person that won’t allow you to be yourself.  Don’t go for someone whose idea of love is for you to lose your identity in order to make them happy.  Go for the person that accepts you for you, all of you, as you are.  Go for the one that makes you feel like you can be yourself, that isn’t out to change you, that loves you exactly as you are, that listens to you, that understands you, that wants you for you, not some fantasy they want to fulfill. 

In learning to love yourself, you have to see and believe that you are loved as you are, that you are wanted as you are, that you are beautiful as you are, and most of all that someone is wanting someone just like you. When you realize that you are indeed lovable as you are and you love yourself, that feeling will carry over into your relationship.  The confidence you have in yourself will enable you to love the other person as they are and to accept them as they are, making for a relationship that will go the distance and withstand the storms that come in life.

It’s a fact of life that sooner or later, we are going to have our hearts broken by someone that we love. When a relationship ends, we are left with an emptiness, a void, where there was once a person we were either dating or living with. When we are ready to get back into the dating scene, there are some helpful tips to help start a new relationship.

The number one thing you want to remember is that the rest of the world didn’t break your heart, the one person did. It’s important to remember that just because Fred cheated on you doesn’t mean that Bob or Gordon will do the same. Just because Wanda ran off with the cereal factory tester doesn’t mean that Betty will do the same. Keep in perspective that everyone else shouldn’t pay for the pain that one person caused you.

Don’t jump from one relationship to another. It’s not wise to immediately start dating after the end of a long relationship. The rebound effect will most likely kick in and you could likely fall for anyone in the attempt to fill the void left by your former dating partner or spouse. Allow yourself time to heal before you date again.

Start slow! Make dates that are fun and enjoyable, but where there is no pressure on you or your date for anything other than just enjoying each others company. Dates with another couple are a good idea because it gives the added benefit of not being alone with a date too soon.

If you are not ready to get serious with someone again yet, it’s a good idea to make it clear up front that you are fine dating as friends, but that you want to keep it at the friend level. It’s not a good idea to keep this to yourself and to lead the other person to believe you are more serious than you really are. Keeping dates on a friendly level after coming off of a broken relationship is beneficial because you get to know the person, and you can build your trust back up while continuing to heal from the broken relationship, and you can be sure you are not just dating on the rebound from the previous relationship.

It takes time to learn to trust again and to love again. When a relationship ends it’s natural to want someone else to be in your life. Starting to date again is the first step in finding the person who is not only a good friend, but the one who understands you, who listens to you, encourages you, and believes in you. To begin dating again is the beginning of a wonderful new relationship.

You’ve met this absolutely fantastic person that you are crazy about.  You want to ask them on a date.  The only problem is that money is tight.  You wonder two things:  What can you do that won’t send you to the poor house but that both you and your date will enjoy, and what will your date think about you if you plan something frugal to do? 

Unfortunately there are a lot of people whose idea of a fun and romantic date is to spend money, a lot of money.  Some women have the idea that if a man doesn’t spend a great deal of money on her on a date, that he isn’t good enough for her.  Leave those women in the dust!  They aren’t good enough for you!  A fun and romantic date is not about money at all, but about just being with the person you care about.

There are a number of things a couple can do together that costs nothing or very little.  Just some ideas that your special someone is sure to enjoy with you are:

Order pizza (or better yet, make your own), rent a movie, and just stay home.  Nothing speaks romance as much as two people snuggled on a sofa watching a movie and eating pizza together.  And if you are watching by chance a scary movie, so much the better for cuddle time.

Pack a picnic basket and a couple of fishing poles and head for the lake for a few hours.  Fishing is fun, as long as you don’t freak out at having to bait the line or taking the fish off.  For the ladies, if you are prone to freak out, you have this big strong manly man there to help with things. And how much more romantic can it be than for your date to save you from the fish on the line?

Something that any man is sure to enjoy is a slow massage.  A massage helps to relieve stress and tension and it feels good.  While he watches a movie, get the massage oil and give his shoulders and back a nice slow rub down.  Take your time and give him a lot of attention. He might just enjoy the massage so much that he forgets he’s watching a movie.  If he starts to fall asleep, you are doing a great job.

There are a number of other things a couple can do together to have a fun and romantic date on a budget. The main thing to remember is that the date is about the two of you, not about money.  The fact is that if a person is only interested in you for the money you can spend on them, they simply are not worth your time.  Anyone that truly cares for you is not interested in what you will spend on them now or in the future, they are only interested in being with you. 

Dating can be fun and exciting, and can lead to more dates with a wonderful man.  But there are some things a woman just should not do if she hopes to have another date with that wonderful man.  Following are just a few tips on things that a woman should never do when on a date.

A woman should never nag a man.  Nagging a man has got to be the biggest turn off.  What man will want to go out again with a woman who nags him while dating him?  If she nags while on a date, what will she do if things became more serious?  Let the man be himself. You either like him just as he is or move on. Never be a nag!

Don’t spend the entire date talking about your ex boyfriend.  If all you do is talk about him, that only tells the man that he is on your mind just a wee bit much.  Not only does it make you insensitive to your date, chances are he isn’t going to want to date you again to listen to more drama.  Leave the talking about the ex boyfriend to share with your girlfriends.

Most women love to talk.  It seems to be part of being a female.  But it’s not a good thing to hog the conversation when dating.  Most likely your date will be bored quickly when he is unable to get a word in because you won’t stop talking long enough to let him get a word in edgewise.  Instead of constantly talking, close the mouth, open the ears, and listen to him.  Not only will you learn more about your date, he will probably feel a lot more appreciated because you actually take the time to listen to him instead of constantly talking.

Don’t try to be someone or something that you are not.  Don’t lie to your date and don’t be dishonest with him.  If the date turns into something more serious at a later time, you’ve got some explaining to do when it’s discovered that you were not honest to begin with.  Rather than take the chance of losing what could be a good thing, just be yourself from the beginning and be honest. 

Stay off the cell phone with your girlfriends while on a date.  Don’t be so inconsiderate while on a date with a man and make him feel left out because you can’t stay off the phone while with him.  Either leave the cell phone at home or turn it off.  You are on a date with this wonderful man, not your cell phone.

Don’t expect your date to be a mind reader.  Say what you mean and mean what you say.  If you won’t say what you are thinking or feeling, he isn’t going to magically know what’s going on inside your head. 

One of the main quests in life for a woman is to find the right man that she can not only love but be happy and content with, and actually like.  Fishing for a man can bring in a lot of catches on the hook, but most need to be thrown back in, not because of any flaw on the man’s part, but because they simply are not right for you.

In order to be successful in finding the right man, a woman first needs to know herself and she needs to love herself.  Loving yourself is paramount to a relationship working out.  Knowing who you are, your likes and dislikes, your feelings about various things, and your own personality are key factors necessary  for a healthy relationship. Generally speaking, you want a man that matches your personality. 

That sounds easy enough, but it’s not that simple.  Too often both men and women bottle up their emotions, their feelings, their thoughts.  Maybe it’s for fear of rejection, maybe they are afraid to share how they truly feel, maybe they don’t even know how to share, maybe they are just scared to love again after past hurts.  Whatever the reason, in order for a relationship to work, both parties have to be open and be themselves so that who they are shines through, rather than hidden behind a wall.

The kind of man you want should be someone that accepts you for who you are and loves you as you are.  He doesn’t want to change you.  He doesn’t criticize your looks. He doesn’t make you feel inferior or that you aren’t good enough. He loves you as you are, loves your personality, loves everything about you.  He is open and honest with you. He won’t tell you what you want to hear, he will tell you the truth.  He’s understanding and considerate, and he listens when you share your intimate thoughts and feelings with him.

The next thing to consider when fishing for a man is everyday life.  A woman should look for a man that she can share daily life experiences with.  If you aren’t whatsoever into outdoor activities, chances are that you will not be happy with a man that lives to camp, fish, hike, or climb mountains.  If you absolutely love the opera and he hates it, that’s workable.  If you cannot live without making every opera ever performed, and he hates it, you might want to look for a man that loves the opera.  If he loves home cooked meals and you are allergic to the kitchen, you might want to look for a man that is into takeout and eating out.  If you want wild monkey sex every single day and think sex is all there is to life and  he isn’t all that into sex, you might want to look for a monkey instead of a man.

Compatibility is necessary for a happy and healthy relationship.  But to be compatible, you simply must know yourself and be yourself.  Being true to yourself will allow you to hook the right man, the one that is compatible with your personality. 

We all want to be loved and accepted.  But too often we want it so bad that we settle for anyone, even if we love them and they love us.  Unfortunately, just loving someone isn’t a reason to marry them.  The reason is that even though it might be love, if the personalities clash, it won’t last.  A woman wants to find a man that fits her.

While there are always exceptions to this, in general a woman wants to fish for a man that is a fit for how she thinks and feels, that loves her for who she is in all ways, that has the same likes and dislikes for the most part, that she can share her intimate thoughts with, and that she can trust.

If however you are only fishing for a man that’s got money and material things, it’s best to throw the fishing pole away right now.  The last thing a woman should ever do is look for a man to take care of her financially.  That is the most wrong reason there can be to look for a man.  If you’re not in it for love and for the man, don’t be in it.  Not only is it wrong, it’s not going to work.  Men shouldn’t be used or hurt, and to want one only so that he will take care of you is just plain wrong.  Money can be gone in a heartbeat, and it doesn’t keep you warm at night like love does.

On the other side of the coin is the man that only wants a woman for her looks.  If the man you are interested in is only into looks and uses you for a trophy on his arm, throw him back and look for one that loves the real you, the real you that’s underneath the skin.  If he doesn’t like who you are as a person, throw him back and look for one that loves you for you.  Looks fade, but real beauty stays because it’s underneath the skin.

In order to hook the man that’s right for you, get to know yourself. Go fishing for the man that makes your heart smile, that is always there, that loves who you are, that makes you laugh, that’s honest with you, and that know how you like your chocolate.