Romance Writing

It happens far too often.  Words can deal a fatal blow to a relationship.  People say mean and hurtful things, sometimes intentionally, to hurt the person they love the most. Once the words are out, it’s impossible to take them back. The pain and hurt is usually entirely too clear in the eyes of the person who was hurt.

Hurting words can come from spouses, best friends, coworkers, siblings, parents, etc.  No matter who it is that hurts us, the fact is words can sting with a vengeance.  Rather than hold on to something that’s done and can’t be changed, if we choose to let it go, chances are the relationship will heal and flourish.

Sometimes the hurt is so deep and remains embedded deeply within the heart of the person who was hurt, and they walk away from the relationship. Too often pride stands in between the person who did the hurting and the person who was hurt.  Instead of trying to make amends and healing the relationship, pride takes over on both sides, and a once loving relationship is nothing but a memory. It doesn’t have to be that way.

When someone has hurt us, it’s all too easy to just throw our hands up and walk away from it all.  That’s the easy way out, but it’s also the losing way.  You and the person that hurt you both lose out because you lose each other.  But if we stop and ask ourselves why the person said hurtful things to us to start with, it could help the situation immensely. 

Sometimes, though not always, a person will say something that hurts because they are stressed out or going through really rough times.  They use us as bouncing board, someone to vent their frustrations out.  But rather than vent what’s really going on, the stress comes out as hurtful words to us.

No doubt we have all done this to someone we love and had it done to us.  The difference is in how we handle it.  Do we choose to see the hurtful words for what they most likely are, stress and frustration at something in life, or do we take it personal (which it probably isn’t at all) and get angry and upset and just walk away. 

If we walk away, we lose out on a wonderful relationship.  Just because someone gets upset and stressed and says something that hurts us is not a reason to end a relationship, but sadly that’s what happens too often. 

We can choose to leave the past in the past, knowing that the past can’t be changed or undone, and put our pride on the back shelf,  and we can start fresh. To do this, it’s vital that a person understand that we all make mistakes and that no matter what someone has said or done, they simply cannot change the past.  No amount of regret will undo something that was done or said.  If we choose to hold onto a past hurt, we are the ones that are hurting ourselves.  The person who said something or did something that hurt us is not hurting us. 

When we choose to hold onto hurt, we took over the role as the one doing the hurting.  When we choose to allow pride to keep us from reaching out to the other party, we are the one who is hurting ourself.  We don’t have to let the past, that cannot be changed, to rule our present. 

Sometimes a person has a hard time letting go and starting over because it seems that letting something go would somehow diminish the hurt that was said or done.  But letting go of the past and beginning again isn’t diminishing anything nor taking away the fact that hurt was caused.  It simply is forgiving, moving on, and living and loving again.  To hold onto the hurt is to deprive yourself and someone else of a beautiful relationship. 

Hurtful words can cut deep.  But the deepest cut isn’t really the hurtful words at all, but rather the lost relationship and love if the two parties involved don’t put the past to rest and begin fresh.
 

When Love Hurts: 10 Principles to Transform Dysfunctional Relationships

If you don’t like the person you are, chances are high that any relationship you are in or get into will fail.  In order for a relationship to flourish and to grow, a person needs not not only like themselves but also to love who they are. Loving yourself is paramount to having a successful and loving relationship. 

The divorce rate today is higher than at any other time in history.  People marry for the wrong reasons, they marry the wrong person, and more so, they marry too soon.  Not only do they not know they person they marry, they often don’t know themselves or even like who they are as a person. 

Many divorces occur because incompatibility.   But how can a couple become so incompatible when they loved each enough to marry?  How could a marriage that started out with such love, and perhaps still have the love, go so wrong?  How can two people who perhaps still are so much for each other end up not liking each other or themselves? 

Often the problem lies in an area that’s least expected, with ourselves.  We simply don’t like who we are and we strive to become who the spouse wants us to be, rather than just to be ourselves.  This can be manifested in several ways. Women get breast enhancements, even though they are beautiful as they are.  Men take pills to to enlarge parts that are absolutely fine as is.  Another man gives up his particular favorite pastime and does only what the spouse likes to do.  One woman goes and buys herself an entire new wardrobe of clothing trying to look sexier for her husband. Still another spouse gives up their entire existence and becomes a virtual clone of their spouse, trying to be exactly like them in an effort to feel more wanted and loved.  Another woman wants to control everything her husband does, telling him how to act, think, dress, work, who his friends are, etc.  All of these relationships are doomed because the people in them simply do not love themselves.

Before embarking on a relationship, we need to learn to love ourself first.  Self love doesn’t mean that we love ourself over another. It means we love and accept ourself as we are.  It means we don’t change who we are, our very identity, in order to please another. It means we work to grow and if something in us needs changing, we work to change that something, not for another person but to better ourselves. 

To be truly happy in a relationship with another person, we have to be happy with who we are as a person.  We can’t not like ourself and expect to be happy.  We can’t be at odds with ourself and who we are and be happy.  We can’t pretend to be something or someone we are not and be truly happy or love ourself.  We can’t be happy and at peace if we are living in the past and not accepting ourselves as we are. But when one has had a troubled past, how can they learn to love who they are and find that happiness? 

The answer is learning to let go.  Letting go of what we cannot change or undo is a first step in releasing the past to be just that, the past.  No matter what happened, what you did, what someone else did, it’s all gone.  Instead of punishing yourself for what can never be changed or relived, allow yourself to forgive and move on with life.  Punishing yourself by denying yourself happiness and love won’t change anything that’s already happened. 

We have all done things and had things done to us that hurt.  Sometimes we won’t allow ourselves to be happy or to love ourselves because we think that in loving ourselves or being happy, it diminishes what we did or what was done to us.  We think that we deserve to be unhappy or feel unloved and unwanted.  We have the mindset that whatever happened in the past is reason for us to keep our present and future miserable, thinking that’s payment for a past we can’t change.  Nothing can be further from the truth!

Not allowing yourself to be happy or love yourself as you are is not hurting someone from the past, but it is hurting you and probably someone that cares deeply for you.  Punishing yourself for something that’s gone isn’t the answer.  Letting go, forgiving, moving on, learning to really like yourself, and being happy with the one that truly cares for you just as you are, that’s where it’s at.  Remember that a person who truly cares for you won’t ever hold the past against you, and you shouldn’t hold it against yourself either.

Now is the time to start loving yourself.  Focus on what YOU like about yourself, not what anyone else thinks.  Remember that in learning to love yourself, you aren’t out to please the rest of the world, just yourself.  If you find something that you don’t like about yourself, work on changing that.  But only do it for you!  Allow yourself to be yourself!  Don’t try to be someone you’re not or something you’re not.  Be happy with how you look, how you think, how you feel, how you love, how you believe, etc.  Realize that you are a beautiful person and allow yourself to see that beauty in yourself.

When you feel you are ready for a relationship again, don’t go for someone who wants to change you.  Don’t go for someone who makes you feel that you aren’t good enough as you are.  Don’t get involved with a person that won’t allow you to be yourself.  Don’t go for someone whose idea of love is for you to lose your identity in order to make them happy.  Go for the person that accepts you for you, all of you, as you are.  Go for the one that makes you feel like you can be yourself, that isn’t out to change you, that loves you exactly as you are, that listens to you, that understands you, that wants you for you, not some fantasy they want to fulfill. 

In learning to love yourself, you have to see and believe that you are loved as you are, that you are wanted as you are, that you are beautiful as you are, and most of all that someone is wanting someone just like you. When you realize that you are indeed lovable as you are and you love yourself, that feeling will carry over into your relationship.  The confidence you have in yourself will enable you to love the other person as they are and to accept them as they are, making for a relationship that will go the distance and withstand the storms that come in life.

It’s a fact of life that sooner or later, we are going to have our hearts broken by someone that we love. When a relationship ends, we are left with an emptiness, a void, where there was once a person we were either dating or living with. When we are ready to get back into the dating scene, there are some helpful tips to help start a new relationship.

The number one thing you want to remember is that the rest of the world didn’t break your heart, the one person did. It’s important to remember that just because Fred cheated on you doesn’t mean that Bob or Gordon will do the same. Just because Wanda ran off with the cereal factory tester doesn’t mean that Betty will do the same. Keep in perspective that everyone else shouldn’t pay for the pain that one person caused you.

Don’t jump from one relationship to another. It’s not wise to immediately start dating after the end of a long relationship. The rebound effect will most likely kick in and you could likely fall for anyone in the attempt to fill the void left by your former dating partner or spouse. Allow yourself time to heal before you date again.

Start slow! Make dates that are fun and enjoyable, but where there is no pressure on you or your date for anything other than just enjoying each others company. Dates with another couple are a good idea because it gives the added benefit of not being alone with a date too soon.

If you are not ready to get serious with someone again yet, it’s a good idea to make it clear up front that you are fine dating as friends, but that you want to keep it at the friend level. It’s not a good idea to keep this to yourself and to lead the other person to believe you are more serious than you really are. Keeping dates on a friendly level after coming off of a broken relationship is beneficial because you get to know the person, and you can build your trust back up while continuing to heal from the broken relationship, and you can be sure you are not just dating on the rebound from the previous relationship.

It takes time to learn to trust again and to love again. When a relationship ends it’s natural to want someone else to be in your life. Starting to date again is the first step in finding the person who is not only a good friend, but the one who understands you, who listens to you, encourages you, and believes in you. To begin dating again is the beginning of a wonderful new relationship.